Title: All Things Considered
Ennis after (I'm sensing a pattern...)
( Read more... )He still woke every day and thought of Jack first thing. Sometimes he wondered if he’d ever be able to forget, sometimes if he ever wanted to.
He wasn’t the type to reminisce, or so he thought. All these years later he never found himself struggling to remember details of Alma - her smell, how she felt pressed up against him, the words she’d whisper in his ear. Yet these were exactly the kind of things that he now searched his mind for, those things that Jack had done and said, trying to dredge up any little thing that would take him back to the mountain.
Hot summer nights, sticky with humidity and no breeze for relief, listening to the cicadas echoing around him, he’d try to figure out why it was so important that he remember everything. He’d argue with himself in his head: won’t make a difference; who cares what happened more than 30 years ago on some damn mountain? Eventually he would get his mind to turn towards other things: his girls, their kids, his work. That’s what his life came down to now. After nights like this he’d wake the next morning memories stronger than ever, an ache in his gut that was now familiar.
His days passed slowly; yet when he looked at the whole, looked at all the time that had passed since he was last happy, he couldn't believe it had gone by so fast. He had taken so much for granted when he was young. He didn't realize until it was too late that he had loved Jack, that he would probably never feel that way again. How could he have been so ignorant, so unknowing? Of course, he knew now that it was youth, thinking that everything would always work out, that he’d always have another chance. Over the years he had thought the pain and the feelings would pass, would get less. The pain did lessen: a person couldn't live long with pain like he'd had when he first found out Jack had died. But his feelings seemed to have only gotten stronger with every year that passed, every year that went by without seeing, talking to, touching Jack.
His routine had started years ago as dull but necessary, had actually gotten better with age. If he hadn’t filled his days with ordinary chores, the daily tasks required to stay alive and to stay sane, he would have drunk himself to death. He could never do that to Junior and Jenny, so it had been up to him to man up and live with his pain.
He noticed changes in himself over the years. After Jack died, he had turned into a virtual recluse, only seeing Junior and Jenny if he had to, others not at all. He worked like a demon, and no one at the ranch knew the first thing about him. After a few years of living alone with his thoughts and the guilt they brought, he had no choice but to return to the living. It was a painful journey for him, but of course, not as hard as what he had already endured. He started slow, at the ranch, where it was a little easier to say a few words now and then, to one of the other hands or to his boss. If they were surprised, they didn’t show it. Somehow most had known that something hard had happened to Ennis, that he was finally getting around to accepting it. He regained most of the weight he had lost, his body was still strong and lean, but he was a step slower, silver was starting to blend with the light brown hair, deep lines had formed around his mouth and eyes.
Now, he was up every morning at five, had two cups of coffee, then drove the 10 miles to the ranch where he was now foreman. That had come as a surprise to him, but he had worked there since right after Jack died, never missed a day (no reason to) and when the previous foreman retired, the owner had approached Ennis, offered him the job. He had Sundays and every other Saturday off, sometimes that was still too much free time. But with the salary he made, he was able to afford a small house, a high-quality quarter horse, even had some money put away.
His least favorite part of the job, paperwork, took a few hours a week, but he spent most of his time doing what he liked best, riding range and working with the horses. The ranch was known for cattle, but over the past 20 years had started to build a good reputation for breeding quarter horses, and Ennis liked working with the 3 year-olds, training them for roping and reining.
Ennis worked as hard as all the ranch hands on the place, and, as he had taken on more responsibility, he had no choice but to open up a little more, since he set the schedules of the men, and tried to match the right man with the right job when he could. They found him to be fair, he didn’t play favorites, he filled in and worked late shifts if emergencies came up with one of the guys. At noon he sat with them at the big round oak table just off the tack room playing poker, winning more hands than losing.
Friday nights he went to Nick’s Tavern, a small quiet bar that served good home cooking; a place you could sit, have a beer or a meal, not be bothered, just the way Ennis liked it. Nick knew what he drank, what he ordered for dinner and where he liked to sit.
When Ennis walked in on this Friday night, he headed towards his usual table in the corner, saw someone sitting there, made a detour, walked up to the bar and sat down in front of the glass of beer Nick had drawn for him, got right to the point.
“Who’s that?”, nodding towards the table in the corner.
“Travis Shipley. You remember, Al and Nora’s kid.”
Ennis’s face was blank, so Nick continued, “He was living out west, got divorced, came back here a while ago. Think he works in Casper, says he doesn’t mind the drive. Nice guy.”
That was more than Ennis wanted to know. “Well, if old Travis sticks around, I hope he finds another bar to hang out, so I can get my table back.”
******
The next week Ennis walked into the bar, caught Nick's eye and held up 2 fingers, indicating he wanted a shot and a beer, made his way to the table and sat down. Two minutes later Nick's oldest daughter, Tracy, set the two glasses down in front of him, asked how he was doing, then,
"Travis over there would like to buy you a beer, so let me know when you're ready."
"Why's he wanna do that - I can buy my own beer." Ennis realized he sounded suspicious, didn't mean to come across like that to the girl.
Tracy said, "I think he's just trying to be nice."
"Yeah, ok. Tell him thanks."
But Travis had materialized at the table, Tracy moved off to wait on other customers.
"Thanks for the beer, didn't need to do that."
Ennis looked up at Travis; he hated guys looking down at him, made him nervous, so he told Travis to sit if he wanted to, then he sized up the younger man. Travis looked to be in his early 40's, about Ennis's height, with short light colored hair and brown eyes; he was clean-shaven, his mouth turned down slightly at the corners. He wore a starched blue shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below the elbow, dark striped tie, dress slacks - the type that Ennis didn’t even own - and shined black shoes: an office uniform. There was a kind of sad, resigned look about him.
Travis pulled up a chair, "Wanted to tell you sorry for taking your table last week. Nick told me you usually sit here."
Ennis frowned, embarrassed "Nick shouldn't a said that, ain't my table."
"Well, I wanted to meet you anyway. Do you remember me, Travis Shipley? We didn't really know each other before I moved out west, but you helped me start my car once when the battery died, I was out in the middle of nowhere. Never got to say thanks."
"That right? - don't remember. But you're welcome." They fell into an uncomfortable silence, Ennis knocked back his whiskey, sipped his beer.
Then Travis asked "So, what do you do?" Ennis tried not to let him impatience show. Friday night after work he liked to be left alone to think about - well, whatever the hell he wanted to think about, not keep some stranger entertained.
But he answered, "I'm foreman at Slate River Ranch."
"No shit," said Travis, "that sounds interesting. I work at a desk all day, it can get pretty boring." Ennis figured it was easier to talk to this guy for a few minutes than get all worked up about it, something else he had learned over the years.
"Yeah, I sure couldn't stay inside all day, no way."
"I'm startin' to think I should make a change, but all I know are computers.” Silence. Ennis drained his beer, stood up to leave.
"Hey, I didn't get to buy your beer. Can't you stay for a few minutes and have another one?"
"Nah, I gotta get goin', next time."
"Sure," Travis looked down at his beer, "next time".
He looked like a dog that had been kicked for no reason. Ennis started to say something, thought maybe he should stay for a few minutes, but changed his mind and walked out to his truck. He couldn't take on some guy's problems when he had enough of his own, didn't want to get involved.
*****
Ennis had a full week at the ranch. He had started training a 3 year old gelding, doing the necessary ground work, getting him used to a saddle pad in preparation for the saddle itself. He always took his time, knew that what he did in the beginning would affect the way the horse performed for the rest of his life. He was good at training and wanted his horses to be happy to work, not frightened into it. And when the ranch was selling horses and asking five figures, they expected the best. Being as busy as he was, he was surprised and annoyed that Travis sneaked into his mind every now and then. He didn’t have the time or inclination to get to know new people, didn’t know why this stranger should take up time he didn‘t have to spare.
*****
The next Friday night Ennis walked into Nick’s, called out, “Just a beer tonight, Nick, gotta work tomorrow.”
Tracy brought the beer to his table and he asked “Travis been here tonight?”
Tracy almost dropped the tray, recovered, and slid the glass onto the table in front of him - she had never heard Ennis ask about anyone, man or woman, before.
“He was here earlier, said he had some work to do on his house.”
“He still owes me a beer, maybe next week.”
Tracy said, “He lives pretty close to here, maybe take a drive over, see if he wants to come back. It’s near Blair and Chestnut, middle of the block, I think it’s 819. I took his wallet to him when he left it here last week. You’ll see his car in the driveway, a black BMW.”
Ennis wouldn’t know a BMW if one ran over him. He thought of driving by Travis’s house, then dismissed the idea. He had enough of his own stuff to do, he’d see the guy later at Nick‘s, or not - whatever. But just like the week before, Travis would thread his way into his mind every now and then, and it was starting to piss him off.
*****
Every Sunday he went to Junior’s for dinner. Since he was now the grandfather of twins, he made sure he took the time to be there for them. He had learned a lot over the past 20 years, main thing was to make sure he spent time with the people he loved. So he had made a silent commitment to Junior and her family and stuck to it. He pulled up to her house and she was sitting on the porch swing as he got out of the truck. He was so proud of her. She had married Kurt and had the twins, but more than that she had created a family.
Most of the roughnecks he had known over the years had two problems: they drank too much and they ran around on their wives. But Junior had made it clear to Kurt before they married that she wanted a family, and that included a sober, faithful husband. The first time he had stayed out all night drinking, she had waited until the afternoon when he was relatively sober, and had given him his choice. To his credit, Kurt learned his lesson pretty quick, decided that having a good home and a loving wife and kids was worth it. So it was to a lived-in home full of school books and homework papers, Kurt watching football or baseball depending on the season, and Junior watching with him or reading in her kitchen, that Ennis came every week.
The twins were 12 and Junior realized it would only be a few more years, if that, before they'd have their own friends, take their first steps toward their own lives outside the family; and while she accepted that, she wanted to make their home a place that they would hesitate to leave, would always want to return.
Ennis waved to his daughter, called out "What's for dinner?"
"Kurt made a brisket, started it last night. You hungry?"
"You know it".
He went inside and she had a beer waiting for him on the kitchen table. Kurt had done a lot to the little house over the years. Junior had wanted a kitchen big enough for a table so she could cook and still socialize with the family or friends; so he had spent one summer renovating the tiny kitchen and now it was her favorite room in the house. She had fixed it up with a big table and comfortable chairs.
He kissed her on the forehead, "How ya doin', darlin'?" Before she could answer, the twins, Dallas and Nicole, ran in and hugged him, asking him questions: Dallas wanted to know when they were going hunting, Nicole asked when she could come up to the ranch again and go riding.
"Dallas, you know we're gonna go opening weekend. Got the same deer lease as last year, room for you and your daddy and a friend if you wanna bring somebody".
Dallas loved his grandfather. Ennis had taught him so much about the outdoors - camping, fishing, hunting - he figured there was nothing Ennis couldn't do. They talked about everything together, some things that he couldn’t even ask his dad. Ennis always gave him honest answers, even if Dallas asked questions that made Ennis uncomfortable, and was there to listen if that’s what Dallas needed.
He answered, "I'm ready to go. And I already asked Andy, my best friend, so he's going with us".
"Sounds good. Nicole, we can go out to the ranch next Saturday, ok with you?" Nicole flashed him a huge smile, complete with silver braces, and Ennis took that as a yes.
Satisfied, the kids drifted out; Ennis sipped his beer, then Junior asked "Daddy, you ok? You seem a little down today".
Ennis should have known she could see when something was bothering him. "There's this guy I met over at Nick‘s. He used to live here in town, moved back when he got divorced. I don't know, just something about him makes me feel sorry for him".
"Travis Shipley?"
"Yeah, how'd you know?"
“Heard some of the girls gossiping. He sounds like a nice guy, maybe he just needs somebody to talk to.”
“Yeah, don’t we all…..Enough about that – I got that deer lease for 9 days, can Dallas go for that long?”
“Are you kidding me? Daddy, that boy is only 12 years old, he is
not going away from home for 9 days….”
*****
Between training the gelding and setting schedules for the next week, Ennis was kept busy at the ranch, didn’t have time to think much about anything but getting enough sleep. Friday rolled around and he was glad to see it, specially since it came with a Saturday off. He was at his table at Nick’s when Travis walked in and sat down at the bar. Ennis remembered Junior saying maybe he needed somebody to talk to, so after Travis had a beer in front of him and he looked around, Ennis motioned him over.
“How’s it going, Travis?”
"Better than last week, that's for damn sure,” he folded his long legs into a chair and took a drink from his glass. “I got a long-term contract with the state of Wyoming , you'll never guess for what: setting up a state-wide computer software program for all the ranches in this area that are getting government subsidies, and as far as I can tell, that's almost every damn one. So I get to stay closer to home and see what ranch life is like".
"Well, you're not riding range, but it's a start. Sounds good. Feel like buyin' me that beer now?"
"You bet".
They ordered another round and sat talking through the night - about Ennis's work on the ranch, and how he didn't know "the first damn thing" about computers, how Timothy McVeigh had just gotten the death sentence for the Oklahoma City bombing, news that had come out about the bison in Wyoming that were being shot by ranchers and how it was legal if the animals left the protection of Yellowstone (“Like they can read the signs“ Ennis said, disgusted), how Travis had never learned to ride despite growing up here - until Nick finally came around at two AM to close up.
"You guys sure didn't run outta things to talk about, but time to close up shop. See y'all next week". Nick had lived in Wyoming for more than 40 years, but was born in Texas, had never lost his drawl.
Ennis pulled his jacket on, lowered his hat brim over his eyes, said "Nice talkin' to ya, Travis, see ya around".
"Sure thing", Travis responded.
Driving home Ennis had to admit to himself that there was something about Travis that made him uncomfortable - not with Travis but with himself. He felt something that he tried to push away ever since he met him, something that he hadn't felt since Jack, something that scared the hell out of him. All the years since Jack died he hadn't been with but one woman, and had never looked at another guy, even when Jack was still alive, just didn't want anybody but Jack. But he liked the way Travis was quiet, didn't talk loud or make a scene, minded his own business, wasn't pushy when they were talking. Ennis decided he was going to see if Travis really wanted to learn how to ride - he'd ask him up to the ranch when he brought Nicole.
*****
"Who do you wanna ride today, Nikki?" Junior didn't like it when Ennis called Nicole by the shortened name, but Nikki liked it, thought it sounded grown-up.
" Montana, he likes to gallop", Nikki said. She loved to ride and Ennis was giving her lessons. She had learned how to trot without bouncing out of the saddle, she had a good seat, quiet hands and Ennis drilled it into her how to relax in the saddle to get the most out of her horse. Her next big step was learning to gallop.
"OK, go get him out of his stall, I'll get his saddle and bridle and meet you outside." Ennis brought everything to the front of the barn and saddled up the bay gelding. He had told Travis he was welcome to join them, but Travis hadn't sounded too enthusiastic, so Ennis was surprised when he looked up after tightening the cinch on Montana's saddle and saw Travis pull up in what he assumed was a BMW.
"So you decided to give it a try. Travis, this is my granddaughter Nicole, Nikki, my friend Travis."
They exchanged greetings, then Ennis saddled up Shiloh, mounted his quarter horse Mariah and led the way. Nikki followed, clucking and urging Montana to go faster, Travis on Shiloh, a quiet mare who would follow any horse that was in front of her.
The day was perfect for riding, summer was quickly cooling into an early fall. The sky was high and blue without even a streak of white, a plane flying overhead pulled long jet trails behind it. Ennis took a trail that bordered a field with high yellow grass, walking Mariah back once in a while to make sure Travis was ok, kidding him about how sore he‘d feel tomorrow. Nikki didn't need looking after, she was already complaining that they were going too slow.
They entered woods, cool and dark, quiet but for a distant woodpecker drilling into a tree, slightest breeze rustling the leaves. They rode the worn path for 30 minutes as it curved under a canopy of trees, crossed a shallow stream and headed up a slight hill, then out of the woods and dissected the trail that would lead them back to the barn. When they reached the meadow, Ennis pulled Mariah up and turned in his saddle, said to Nikki,
“You can run him, but set your seat first. Loosen the reins a little so he can stretch his neck, keep your hands still, relax your back. Don’t kick him, use your legs like you’re asking him to trot and he’ll take off. And remember: don‘t pull on the reins to stop him. Sit back, and put all your weight in your butt, that‘s what slows a horse down, when he feels that extra weight on his back.”
Nikki listened intently, walked Montana toward the field, squeezed her legs against the horse’s sides and was rewarded when Montana eased into a soft relaxed lope. She sat straight but relaxed in the saddle, focused on what Ennis had told her. Montana loped across the field, and Nikki circled him around heading back to the path, brought him to a smooth trot, then a walk. She whooped and yelled, looked over at the men, “I did it!”
Ennis called back “You sure did - good job, Nikki!” Travis applauded with his hands held up over his head.
Back at the barn, they took care of the horses, then Ennis said to Travis, "I'm gonna take Nikki home, but I'll be at Nick's about 7 if you want to have a beer."
Ennis walked into Nick's, Travis waved him over to the table.
"So how'd you like it?"
"It was great, Ennis, I‘m glad I took you up on the offer. I'll probably be sore as hell tomorrow, but I really liked it. You know, I’m probably the only guy who grew up around here who didn’t learn to ride. I want to learn how, you know anybody that teaches around here, just the basics?"
The question caught Ennis off guard. He could teach anybody to ride, but he didn't know if he wanted to be alone with Travis. Hell, it was just a riding lesson...
"I can probably teach you a few things. About ridin', I mean. Horses, that is."
Shit! He was nervous, getting flustered, and he could feel his face get red.
But Travis didn't notice, said "That would be great. When do you want to get together?"
They settled on Saturday morning at 10, two weeks away, then stayed another hour, talking horses and how peaceful it had been riding in the woods that afternoon. Ennis told some stories about rodeo, and the few times he had ridden broncs - Travis was impressed, and Ennis got a little embarrassed since he had left out the part about being thrown.
*****
The next 2 weeks passed painfully slowly for Ennis. Friday night he stopped at Nick's but Travis never showed, so he left after having 2 beers and a burger. He tried not to feel disappointed and failed, had to admit that he wanted to see him, talk to him. Driving home, he used his old standby method of dealing with things - he pushed everything down as far as he could so he wouldn't think about it, and it worked perfectly - until about 3AM when he awoke from a dream in which he was following Travis in the woods, they were both on horseback and he noticed how Travis looked from the back, his long legs wrapped around Shiloh. He got out of bed and fumbled in the dark in the hall closet.
Damn - no clean sheets...
*****
He was sitting at the kitchen table, ready to go to the ranch for the first lesson - too bad it was only 7AM. He hadn’t been able to go back to sleep, had been up half the night thinking about everything under the sun - everything but the thing that kept him from sleeping.
He didn’t know where these feelings were coming from, it had been too many years since he’d felt like this. He poured another cup of coffee. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t very well just walk up and say what was on his mind - it’s been great talking to you, can’t wait to see you on a horse again, and by the way I had a wet dream about you last night. He had never been good at approaching people even in regular situations, let alone when he felt attracted to someone. Somehow, they had always come to him - not that there had been that many, only 3. The best he could think of to do was just wait it out, see how things went today - shit, who was he kidding. No way was he ever have the nerve to say anything. Case closed.
Nothing was ever going to come of this…unless Ennis approached him first.
*****
Shiloh swiveled her ears as she heard the low hum of Ennis’s voice. He was talking to himself as he walked her out of the stall, brought her to the middle of the aisle in the barn, tied her lead rope to a ring mounted on the wall, and started to saddle her for the lesson. His lesson plan was always the same for beginners: he talked - they listened. For the first hour he would keep them in the smaller arena, working on mounting, the proper way to sit, how a rider’s movements affect the horse; then just walking, getting them used to how it feels to be on a horse, and the correct way to stop, which had nothing to do with pulling back on a horse’s mouth. He was aware that people got their impressions on how to ride from watching movies: to get a horse to go forward you kicked it, and to get it to stop you pulled back on the reins. These were the first two myths he put to rest with new riders.
He was nervous and didn’t like the feeling at all. He knew once they got to riding he’d be all business, it was the before and after that he was worried about.
Travis pulled up a few minutes before 10; Ennis saw he was wearing old jeans, a blue work shirt, boots that still had a shine on them.
“Hey, Travis, ready to go?” He sounded more comfortable than he felt, busied himself with Shiloh ’s bridle.
“Guess so”, Travis answered, “what do I do first?”
“Let’s go out by the arena. I’ll show you how to mount without using the block that you used last time. Then we’ll go over basics and see how you feel. First thing is to learn how to lead a horse, so come over here and take the reins. Use both hands, your right to hold a few inches down the leather, your left to hold the rest of the reins across your body for two reasons: one, so they don‘t drag on the ground and one of you get tangled up in ‘em, and two, if she would shake her head or pull the reins from your right hand, you still have hold of her with your left.”
As Ennis handed him the reins, a spark of static electricity arced between them. Ennis snatched his hand back, dropped the reins, swore under his breath, Travis held on, asked if he was holding the reins right. Ennis would never really remember the rest of that hour.
Later that night at home Ennis went over the whole thing so many times he lost count. He had never been so distracted while he was trying to give a lesson before; but after the shock passed between them he couldn’t concentrate on what he was doing for shit. He let Travis ride around in circles, hardly talking, forcing himself to make sure Travis wasn’t pulling on Shiloh , but saying hardly a damn word. Of course Travis must have sensed something was wrong, but didn’t show any outward signs.
As Ennis sat back and drank his beer, his embarrassment turned to resignation, then acknowledgement. He had felt more than a shock when their hands had touched, no matter how quickly the moment had passed. It felt good, familiar, it reminded him of Jack. There he said it - if only in his head. He was tired of being alone, missed having someone to talk to, be with, touch. It had been easy to ignore this part of his life all these years, since he never met anyone that he even remotely thought he could spend any time with, man or woman. Travis was different. But he knew there was no sense to it, so now he had to go about the business of forgetting all about it.
*****
To Ennis, Travis Shipley was a quiet, soft-spoken man with whom he had shared a few drinks and a few conversations, little enough to know of a man. What he had yet to discover, if indeed he ever did, was what made up the man.
Travis had been born in Cheyenne Wyoming on September 11, 1953, the only child of Albert and Nora. Travis had what he, as a young adult, would look back upon as a happy childhood, and though more recent recollections as a 44 year old had stripped away the filter through which he had originally viewed his past, he pronounced himself content with it.
He came to realize that his mother worked, not to realize a fulfillment that a career could give, but, of course, out of necessity. He was a mid-western baby-boomer, his parents part of the new American middle class, if somewhat different than those of the same description living out the dream on either coast. His childhood did not include drinking, or abuse, or rough language. His father worked hard, made a decent living for his family, talked little. Albert made friends in the little town after settling there following the war. The men were all in the same boat, with young families to support and raise. They joined the VFW, met monthly at the town’s community hall, where they drank beer, shot pool, swapped innocuous war stories, burying more tragic tales in the hope they could be forgotten.
Travis loved his father, wanted to please him, and he succeeded. Albert had sworn to his wife and to himself that he wouldn’t raise his child as he had been raised, where the threat of violence for misdeeds was always in the room. He answered Travis’s questions, even the difficult ones, wanted Travis to grow up with a solid knowledge of what was right and what was wrong. They had a close relationship through most of his youth, with the occasional flare-up over minor things: long hair, wrong girlfriend, and once when Travis was 14 and took the car before he had a license, his father had made him quit the football team for that year, which drew a long, loud and pleading lecture from the coach - to Albert. Albert spent time with Travis, was with him through Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, coached him in baseball, taught him how to play, how to win and how to lose. But Travis was drawn to football and he and his buddies started playing at age 8. He made the team and played quarterback through high school, was voted captain every year but one, did well enough to win a partial scholarship to the University of Wyoming .
After college he moved to California and settled in a small neighborhood in Los Angeles to start a job as a computer programmer. Sharing an apartment with a friend of a friend from Wyoming , the two men had hit it off, spent a lot of time together, shared common interests, not the least of which included running and football. And one night, when the man had leaned across the sofa, softly took Travis’s face in his hands and kissed him, Travis was surprised at his own responsiveness, his lack of inhibition. Their affair only last a few weeks, the man had been unable to accept his own feelings, and had retreated almost immediately after their second encounter, moved out of the apartment shortly after.
Travis was hurt and didn’t know what to do with the feelings he had felt for his friend, and was just as confused by the physical side of their short relationship. He had never progressed beyond a few pre-adolescent gropes with his best friend in the garage after school, so he had been surprised at the passion with which he had responded to their two lovemaking sessions.
But it hadn't touched him deeply; he was only 25 and moved on quickly with his life. He fell in love with and married a woman he met at work and was happy with the life he had chosen; and when he had become used to smooth sailing with no waves to swamp his boat, tragedy struck and, after caring for his wife as she battled cancer and lost, he was ready to come home, and he moved back to Wyoming in 1996. His parents were gone, but nostalgia drew him to stay and he was sure he was home for good. Now, a year later, he had met Ennis del Mar, and he wasn’t sure of anything any more. And as Ennis drank his beer and for the first time in over 40 years gave in to his feelings, Travis, in his own house, had undressed and was getting in the shower. What had happened when Ennis touched his hand? He felt drawn to Ennis - he wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice, wanted to make him laugh. And judging by the way he reacted when he pictured Ennis on his horse, he wanted more than that. He adjusted the shower to spray hot and hard, turned his thoughts back to the man he hardly knew.
*****
Ennis squinted his eyes as he went over the barn schedule for the next month. 14 mares were due to foal, some for the first time, and he knew he'd need double shifts. He was trying to spread the pain around, even the guys with families would have to do extra hours. He would probably be sleeping on the old leather couch in the tack room for the overnight stretches, he didn't mind as long as the mares didn’t get crazy and foal all at once.
He put down the pen, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. The mares weren't the only thing bothering him. Oh yeah, now he remembered - he was thinking about Travis too much him and he wasn't going to deal with that. Ennis had spent the last couple of weeks hiding out at the ranch or at his house, telling himself that he had to stay late at the barn because of all the foaling coming up, had to get some work done on the house before cold started setting in. He hadn't even gone to Nick's, and he was pretty sure that would draw some attention from the tavern owner. But he knew he couldn't do it much longer, just too hard to keep up, and besides, he wanted to see Travis. He thought he had gotten his feelings under control so that if they met at the bar he could talk without freezing up. It would be good to see him, even though he knew it had to stop at that, couldn't go past talking, unless he wanted an enemy, or worse. He knew Travis had been married, and would almost certainly turn on him, shun him, maybe talk around town, if Ennis ever indicated anything other than friendly interest. Well, Travis's next riding lesson was coming up, Ennis was looking forward to it, and dreading it.
******
Travis considered canceling his riding lessons; he'd only had one after all, and who needed the grief that was sure to come to him if he kept on seeing Ennis. But he changed his mind and decided to just keep everything as it was. He had missed seeing Ennis at the bar the last couple weeks, Nick had no idea where he was, just hadn't shown up for the last 2 Fridays. So Saturday morning at 10 AM he pulled into the driveway at Slate River , prepared to put on quite the acting performance, but he saw Ennis out of the corner of his eye as he parked his car, and immediately got stage fright. Ennis was wearing his ranch uniform of beat up jeans and worn, dusty boots, an old shirt that had seen better days, and Travis felt the pit of his stomach grow cold. Shit! How was he supposed to act natural when feelings he hadn't had in years washed over him like cold waves? Well, it was either fake it, or not see Ennis at all, he guessed he could do it - try like hell, anyway.
"Hey Ennis, where you been? Missed seeing you at Nick's".
Ennis turned from putting the bridle on Shiloh , gave Travis what he considered a normal reply, "Busy at work, and stuff to do at the house, before the cold gets here".
Travis mentally dodged the verbal icicles being thrown his way, and tried to warm up the atmosphere. "So what are we doing today - more riding in the arena?"
Ennis tossed him Shiloh 's reins, untied Mariah and mounted, "Yeah, but we'll go into the bigger one and start some balance work. Maybe take them for a walk after, to cool them down".
Once Ennis was in the arena and teaching, he felt back in control and his words and manner of speaking warmed up considerably. By the end of the hour, Travis had learned the correct way to ask Shiloh to walk, stop and back up, and both he and Ennis thought it was an hour well-spent.
Ennis decided they would take the horses out on the trail and they took a path that wound it's way towards the north pasture. Riding side-by-side they talked about generalities, and when they fell silent it was not uncomfortable. Travis complained of spending too much time indoors, and suggested that next time they bring some beer and find a place where they could just sit and relax. Ennis hesitated, then agreed, thinking "No harm in that, we'll be outside in plain sight, what could happen?"
Jesus! What could happen! Ennis spoke the words out loud driving home, slammed his palm against the steering wheel. His mind raced back to days and nights outside on the mountain with Jack - he knew only too well what could happen. But this was different, he argued with himself - this isn't Jack. But after all the time that had passed, his own loneliness and how he thought about Travis, he knew what he wanted, and he'd have to fight like hell to keep it his feelings at bay - and he was the man that could do it.
*****
Travis thought he couldn't have asked for a more perfect ending to a day that he had been dreading. He realized he really liked riding, he was learning a lot and doing well so far. But riding out in the middle of nowhere with Ennis had been unexpected. He was surprised how comfortable it felt, even when they weren't talking; in Travis's eyes, they seemed to have reached another level in their friendship where they could just be together and not worry about keeping up a steady flow of conversation. He was more than surprised that Ennis had agreed to the trail ride Travis had suggested. It wasn't a lie when Travis had said he was sick of being inside all the time - it was like he was learning how much he had really been missing all these years, cooped up in an office, never taking advantage of the beauty that was Wyoming. All of a sudden he wished they could go camping in the mountains, something he had never done and would never have thought of before - but with Ennis....He drew a deep breath - he better get a grip on his feelings and just take it for what it was, a friendship, nothing more.
*****
The day dawned cloudy with low fog and cold drizzle. Ennis was getting the horses saddled for a lesson in the inside arena when Travis walked into the barn and said "Well, I heard the weather is supposed to clear up later, but I guess no trail ride today."
Ennis had listened to the same weather forecast and he was fighting himself hard, but as he heard Travis's voice, looked up and saw him, he caved, and offered an alternative he never thought he would.
"I got a cabin up in the foothills, about an hours drive, got some nice views. We can trailer the horses up there, see if the rain lets up."
"Hell, yes, let’s go." His reaction surprised Ennis, he had half expected Travis to turn him down, but he sounded so eager, and Ennis loved going to the cabin, so they decided to scrub the arena lesson for this week.
Ennis said, “Carry the saddles out to the trailer, I’ll get the horses loaded, ”. They had everything done in a few minutes, Ennis didn’t bother to take beer from the fridge in the tack room, he always kept plenty at the cabin.
*****
The cabin, jokingly called The Lodge by Junior, had been little more than a shell when Ennis had bought it a few years back, but now it was a small but comfortable place he used whenever he could. He got Kurt to help him last summer and they had finally put in a deck overlooking the valley, it was Ennis’s favorite place. Sometimes he’d come here and never even use the living room or kitchen, just sit outside and think, relive old times, his time with Jack. Now, after so many years, there were actually other things to occupy his mind, but there was never a time when he didn’t think, for at least a few minutes, what it would be like to have Jack here with him.
It was a good-sized place, not too big, a living area with an old leather sofa, big wing-back chairs and some tables close by to hold drinks, an open bar with high-backed stools, and on the other side a small kitchen. There were two bedrooms, one at either side of the cabin, with the living area between, and each bedroom had it’s own bathroom, a concession to Junior (“If we bring the kids here, we are going to need more than one bathroom”.). Ennis’s favorite part inside was the huge stone fireplace. It was really too big for the space, but he wasn’t trying to be featured in Architectural Digest, he just wanted a big damn fireplace. In the winter he would sit by the fire with his feet up, surrounded by the floor-to-ceiling windows, watching it snow, sipping some good Kentucky bourbon and he felt himself a lucky man, all things considered.
*****
Ennis carefully turned his truck pulling the horse trailer onto the road that led up to the cabin. They’d left the ranch over an hour ago, but the slick roads made it pretty slow going, and he was in no hurry. He’d actually enjoyed the ride, since Travis had pretty much acted like a kid who was seeing the mountains for the first time, looking everywhere and asking questions Ennis knew all the answers to.
But by the time they pulled into the driveway, they were both ready to get out and stretch their legs, and Ennis knew the horses felt exactly the same way. So he unloaded Mariah and Shiloh, Travis watching as he got them settled in their stalls, until Ennis noticed him leaning on the fence doing nothing, told him he better haul some hay and water buckets, earn his ride up here.
With the horses settled, Ennis unlocked the cabin door and let Travis in to his private haven and refuge, opening himself up like he hadn’t done with anyone since Jack. Ennis was a little nervous; sharing this place was like trusting someone with a secret, and if Travis made a wrong move or a bad joke about it, his visit would be pretty damn short. But Travis looked around almost in awe, commented about the fireplace and the views, Ennis relaxed and said, “Well, you said you wanted to kick back with a beer and a good view, got both here”.
“No shit. This is really great. You come up here every week?”
“No, but often as I can. Pretty good fishing not far from here. Mostly built it for the peace and quiet. My daughter has 12 year old twins, not too quiet when they’re up here.”
“Nikki has a twin? I didn’t know that. Come to think of it, I don’t know hardly anything about you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t like talking about myself too much, not very interesting. Grab a couple beers and take ‘em out on the deck, I gotta take a piss”.
Travis took the beers and walked out onto the deck, was amazed at the view laid out in front of him. The cabin looked like it had been dropped onto the edge of a small forest, and with the fog and soft rain, seemed like it was a million miles away from civilization. Ennis walked out onto the deck and dropped into a chair, picked up a beer and said, “So, what do ya think?”
“I don’t know how you ever leave this place.” Ennis looked around, feeling the same way, liked it that Travis appreciated his favorite place.
Travis started pushing, just a little, “What’s your daughter’s name, or is that getting too personal?”
Ennis considered the subject: he really
didn’t like talking about himself, or talking much at all, for that matter. He’d gotten better at it over the years, didn’t mean he got to like it. But he felt more comfortable with Travis than anyone he’d met since Jack, so he took a swig from his beer and opened himself up a little more.
“Got two girls, Alma Junior – we call her Junior - and Jenny. Junior’s married to a roughneck, but he’s a pretty good guy, after Junior straightened him out. Jenny moved to New York, hardly ever comes home to visit. Nikki’s twin brother is Dallas . We’re goin’ huntin’ when season opens. They’re both great kids, Junior did a good job bringin’ ‘em up.”
Travis noticed he didn’t mention a wife, or an ex-wife, “You still married?”
“No”, said Ennis, ”I‘m not married, didn‘t work out.” He spoke without emotion, like he was telling Travis an inconsequential part of his life.
They were both quiet for a while, taking in the vista before them, listening to a blue-jay screaming off in the distance.
*****
Ennis spoke up, “So what about you? I don’t know much about you, either. Just that you’re a grown man who can’t ride a horse”. He looked down and smiled a little, and Travis laughed. “Yeah, well, I’m doin’ something about that, aren’t I?”
Then he continued, “Well, I don‘t have any kids. I was married and my wife died of cancer - that‘s why I moved back here. I never knew Wyoming was so beautiful, and now I like riding horses. My life, in a nutshell”.
Travis tilted his bottle back and finished his beer, sorry that he had let so much out at once, and that it was so sad, like he was looking for sympathy.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to unload all that. I’m fine. Just had a bad couple of years, but things are getting better.”
Ennis sat back in his chair, of course knowing what it was like to lose someone you loved, and sorry, so sorry, that he had even brought up the subject. But at the same time he realized that Travis had decided to open up that way, and he was at a loss for what to say.
Ennis's voice was low, “Travis, I’m sorry. Anything I can do? Shit....No....There’s nothing anybody can do, I know that.” His voice shook with emotion, even though he tried to control it.
And with that statement, Ennis knew he had given away more of himself than he had ever intended, that Travis would now know that Ennis had something in his past, something, someone that he had lost that mattered to him.
They looked at each other, and it was as if there was a common bond formed between the two, a bond formed from loss, heartache, desperation. Ennis fought his feelings harder than he ever had, but couldn’t stop himself from standing, putting his hand on Travis’s arm, pulling him up, putting his arms around him, arguing with himself that if Travis pulled back he could always say that he was only trying to comfort him.
But Travis didn’t pull away, and they stood together, holding on, each locked in their own grief, needing to share it or shed it, needing each other so badly that neither knew what to do.
Ennis reacted first, dropping his arms, turning and walking away, hating that he had shown so much of himself. Travis was a step behind him. “Ennis, something’s happening here, we need to talk about it. You don‘t have to talk about your past if you don‘t want to, you don‘t owe me anything there. But this thing, between you and me, we gotta know what‘s goin‘ on.”
“Nothin’s goin’ on, I just felt sorry for you, losing you wife like that. I..”
Travis snapped at him, “I don’t need your pity. I can get through the days and the nights ok where that’s concerned." Travis took a step forward, pushed up against Ennis, pinning him to the wall of the house, face-to-face, whispered "Ennis, I can give you what you need, it's ok. We both need it. It's ok."
And just like that a steel door closed around Ennis's heart and mind. Everything about himself that he had tried so hard to change over the years fell away, he turned, pushed Travis away with his shoulder, said in a low voice "I think we better head home", and walked into the house. Travis behind him, said "Ennis...what the hell?" Ennis couldn't get his mind around what was happening, it was moving too fast for him. He felt helpless, unsure. He looked at Travis, saw the passion in his face, and then Ennis's own pain, lonliness, and want took over and he grabbed Travis, placed his hands on either side of his face, and took his first kiss, soft, slow, but bringing his old memories with it, and the pain of it almost made him cry out. Travis kissed him back, holding on, pushing back, out of control - Ennis's memories began to fade....
tbc
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